Insights of Cynicism

I hate tourists. I loath The West. The East isn't usually much better. It's all money, obnoxiousness and sleaze.

Ok, so I may be generalising a little here. It's not that I hate everything about the world. Don't get me wrong there's plenty of awesome stuff out there like good food, music, the laughter of children, books, meeting eyes with a pretty girl across the bar and bashfully looking away and then later ending up in your hotel room alone, in the dark, wishing you'd had the guts to make that move that could have ended your loneliness and crying away the night whilst masturbating into a sock. See? I'm not that cynical about the world. Right?

In fact, the list of things I don't condone in this world is mostly pretty self-deprecating; these concepts are so obviously dis-likable that I think most people would agree with me about their wrongness. So while my initial statement of "I loath The West" is true, it's more on a pseudo-moral basis, instead of being based on any real, tangible emotion or experience (although I have had a few of those too). I actually quite like living in the developed world, with electricity, hot water and pesto. And don't worry, I haven't regressed into awkward self-loathing and projecting my problems onto the world at large. I'm actually continuing my process of reflection, realisation and, consequently, maturing.

So.

There's just certain things that I vastly dislike, usually involving fat and/or old, close-minded people that travel and expect everything to revolve around them, wasteful and greedy consumers who're unaware of the wrongness emanating from them. The kind of people you see in MacDonald's with their kids, feeding them additive-coated happy meals to do just that. Keep them happy. Great parenting skills.

I started getting this feeling of wrongness (let's just go with that terminology for now, I can't decide on a better word to describe it) about a year ago when I was working on a pretty small project, part time. Being part of the Music Industry, or at least the very detached corner of the Music Industry that both the Scottish unsigned sector and this project seemed to inhabit, left me feeling disillusioned and cynical with the whole process. Ironically, I would greatly prefer to work for a "sell-out" Label, already established and set in their money-grabbing ways than to start out with a (fairly) entry level Indie of authentic, immediate background and at least begin with some cultural integrity, and work my way up. From what I saw, it'd be pretty soul destroying.

This wrongness has been at the back of my mind for a while then, an abstract concept growing; feeding off sub-conscious insights. These insights can be grouped into two main... groups (awesome writing there...). First there are the Tourists, the Groupies, the Consumers intent on doing what everyone else is doing, just so they don't "miss out" on what everyone else is having, and never mind any authentic, meaningful experiences of their own, in their own country or abroad. And even if they do stray from the beaten path, they manage to cheapen their experiences by applying a tourist mindset to what they see and do.

Example: I went to Pashupatinath Temple in Kathmandu, the most sacred temple to Shiva in the world, a site that every Hindu is supposed to pilgrimage to at least once in their life. There, the Hindu dead from around the Kathmandu Valley are burned in a four hour ceremony, alongside the banks of the Bagmati River, twenty-four hours a day. It was one of the most deep, spiritual and cultural moments of my life. And as I was leaving, I happened to pass a Caucasian family on the bridge of the river, complete with linen shorts, faded pastel tank tops and impatient children. The father disrespectfully continued to pull out his long-lens SLR and took multiple action shots of the cremations in various stages with a smile on his face, all the while human ash is swirling around his family.

Safe to say I felt pretty ashamed of my heritage.

Then there's the Service Industry, the Supply, the Products of the Economics of Tourism. I don't know which has a worse effect on me, the people that pay so that these leeches can flourish or the leeches themselves. Sometimes it's not so bad, but it's pretty obvious here in Kathmandu; I can't walk down the street without some shady Nepali trying to sell me trinkets or drugs. I've worked in the Service Industry and I don't plan to go back. Ever. The idea of sell sell sell, putting money before everything and the loss of dignity involved is abhorrent to me. Not that I don't like money, or feeling successful. It's more the means that get me. The rush, the narrow mindedness.

I accept, obviously, that I will be unable to avoid contact with the wrongness. Hell, if I hadn't had contact with it, I wouldn't be writing this and following these thought processes. But sometimes it grates on me, like when I go to a restaurant (purposefully between the busy lunch hour and the start of the dinner service) for a relaxed meal and to read, but the waiter decides to hassle me none the less; "Another drink? Food? No? Here's the bill." or when I'm walking past a MacDonald's and I see that overweight family, a clear product of the world we live in.

"Get a salad!" I want to shout.

They never do. The dicks.

Turn Around.

Fuck awkwardness! Fuck self-loathing! Fuck doubt!

With these brave words I start a new life. Hopefully...

So, I feel like my life has come to a tipping point; a turn around, where I can no longer, or no longer want to, continue as I have been living, amidst a hail of self-doubt and awkward quietness (though I doubt this will be the complete end of my social dysfunction (dysfunction has a y in it? Really? Who knew?)).

Over the last two weeks I feel like I've started to achieve what I wanted out of this trip to Nepal. After a month I didn't feel any different and I thought I never would, that I'd be stuck in my fumbling, inept ways but certain things have happened since then (you'll all have to wait for the journal entries to be blogged when I get back to find out what!) that makes me feel like a newer, better person. A happier person. A happier, still slightly awkward person. To sum it up, I've realised a lot about myself, seen how I can change, seen how I interact with other people and how I can improve (and get laid more often...) and how to make my life better in general.

All it took was to live in a developing country for five months...

On that note I'm nearly half way through my stay in Nepal, just a few more days until the ten week mark. It's gone ridiculously fast. Like a bowl of prawn crackers or steamy sex during a thunder storm (both of which are awesome to partake of whilst in Nepal...), I get the feeling that it'll be over too soon for my liking. We'll see.

Nepal, A Short Monologue

Nepal.

Majesty, Mystery and Mountains.

I've been here for just over a month now and been able to experience a wide variety of the country and culture. From the sombre Pashupatinath to bustling Thamel; meditating in Lumbini to teaching in Chitwan. My feelings upon arrival were a mixture of awe and disbelief, being in this crazy city, figuratively speaking, with the Himalayas over looking the valley. But Kathmandu's not for me.

For most of the past month I've been living in Chitwan, about six hours south west of the capital. It's so calm and chilled, as opposed to the begging, car horns and aggressive back-street advertising of narcotics of Thamel. And I love it there. My day is broken down into waking up at 8am, Daal Bhat, walking to school, "teaching"* from 10am until 3.30pm, walking home, tutoring village children at 5pm, Daal Bhat, chatting and relaxing and finally bed at around 8ish.

As I've already said, I've had some amazing experience with some amazing people since I've been here and hugely look forward to the next four months.

I seem to have overcome my subconscious need for awkwardness as well, though we'll have to see how that pans out...

Hopefully I'll be able to post a fuller update sometime, but internet is a rare commodity. Good thing I've been keeping a journal.

Namaste.

* More on this later.

ADVENTURE!

I apologise for another slow update, but I actually have a real-person reason this time.

I've been organising going abroad for five months. To Nepal. Yeah. Totally a real-person reason to be preoccupied...

Actually what I've mainly been doing is sleeping, watching crap on TV and reigniting my old addiction to WoW...

So I'm going off for possibly (probably) the adventure of a lifetime, five months in Nepal volunteering teaching english to kids, trekking and shitting in a hole in the ground (ok, so I might have to find a nice hotel and use their bog every couple days instead of that last one). Then onto Oz for two weeks to visit my cousin.

And who doesn't like adventures? I mean sure, there's the uncertainty about your security, the strangeness of a completely foreign culture, language issues and soul-numbing fear of the entire experience. But it's an ADVENTURE! I even bought a fedora.

So my plans for this blog are to keep updating whenever I can (although I think I read that Blogger is censored in Nepal...), with tales from my travels and any other musings I have, when I am able.

We'll see.

Merry Christmas

Merry fucking Christmas. Kinda snuck up on us all this year, sneaky calendar bastards.

Still, no one buys as cool presents for people as I do. A steel helmet, a buckler, a hunting knife, chinese meditation balls, a Lolcats book and a bonzai tree kit, I fucking rock at getting people cool shit. 

Merry Christmas!

Types of People I Do Not Get Along With and/or Make Me Sad, and How to Deal with Them.

Ok, so decided I should have a look at various different types of people that I don't get along with, that make me sad or generally just piss me off. Because, you know, it's totally not in any way my fault that some people don't click with me, is it? I mean that would just be silly talk. Stop your silly talk! Now!

...

That's better. So anyways, here's a list of douchebags people who I don't see eye to eye with, that I think is pretty generalised (and totally not over-contrived and way too specific) and most people can relate to. I've also included ways of combating these people in various social situations.


Arrogant People

You know the ones: the guy that knows it all and always has to be right, the pretty girl that expects everyone to drop what they're doing for her, people who believe in their own principles and ideas so much that they can actually ruin the lives of everyone they meet, anyone who say Ikea is a really great shop but really get all their furniture imported from Belgium. They're all a real downer (but by no means the worst in this list). They can turn a bright day into a delirium of inadequacy and rage.
How to Combat:
These people need taking down a notch (or eleven). Great ways to do this include making them an object of ridicule, ostracising them from social interactions and just slapping them in the mouth every time they try to speak.     


Over-exuberant, Slightly-more-than-casual Drug Users

No, I do not want to hug you. You are creepy, annoying and socially awkward. From old school Hippies through high school Stoners to creepy middle aged woman that just want to "let it all go" at the weekend. You all smell of failure and shame.
How to Combat:
Beat them at their own game; get so overly touchy-feely that they feel so awkward that they just go away. As they walk or stumble away hold onto their hair tightly so that when you're alone you have a handful of greasy trophy that you can use to ward off other would be drug-fuelled annoyances. 


Females Who Feel That They Need to Prove Themselves Better Than Everyone Else by Ways of Demeaning Comments and Passive Aggressiveness

This group of people really are one of my pet hates. I've encountered numerous examples. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing feminism or any of that crap; I feel that everyone should be equal and be treated as such and blah blah blah, but there's a difference between idealism becoming reality and just being a total bitch that shoots you down at every opportunity.
How to Combat:
Lead them to believe that doing something really stupid and/or humiliating would actually be super cool and get them tones of respect, preferably in a public place and then being the first to point and laugh. Won't be so demeaning and condescending then, will you? Cold-hearted bitch.


Slightly Camp but Totally Straight Male "Friends" of Your Girlfriend
Nothing incites suspicion in me more than my girlfriend's (when I have one) camp-but-straight male "friends". What's their end game? Why are they always hugging and skipping? I see the predatory look in their eyes; their smug smirks. You're not fooling anyone you dickhead!
How to Combat:
What you need is a really elaborate plan to sabotage their friendship that has absolutely NO chance of backfiring against you. Something like hacking his MSN and messaging your girlfriend with his account about how *your girlfriend's name* is really such a bitch and no one likes her, followed by a message saying "Oh crap, wrong person..." and then logging off. The fact that he has no idea when she confronts him about it will infuriate her even more, so that there's no chance of any friendship left. And you're free! Also, this probably has nothing to do with why I'm single so much. Totally unrelated.

People That Ask Me a Tonne of Questions as if I'm a Five Year Old
The ones that can't use sentences that don't have a question mark at the end... Are you busy? What you doing? What film are you watching? Is it good? What's it about? Did you enjoy it? Do you think abortion could ever be justified in a few select situations? You want me to stop asking you questions? That's not very nice, is it? Why yes, I think I have a right to be affronted, don't you?
How to Combat:
When talking to them, sound really preoccupied and vague, with long pauses. They'll soon get the idea. That or just answer the questions. Your call.


People Who Were Your Friends but Changed Their Minds About You, but Still Are Really Good Friends With Your Girlfriend/Ex/Other Friends

This is probably the most awkward on this list, and also the saddest. Most of the time you don't know what's happened to make them dislike you, unless it's a break up and they choose your Ex. You're on Facebook, all like "Hey man, wanna go out for some drinks or hang out?" and they're all like "Whatever...". It's not cool. Sure people might drift apart, but it would be nice if they acknowledged your greeting with even the slightest enthusiasm.
How to Combat:
Constantly try and engage them in conversation via talk, texts, Facebook, the works. Drop by their place randomly and just generally try and show them how much of a epic friend you are! It may take awhile but it'll be worth it and it totally won't piss them off and make them hate you any more. And awkward moments? Just power through 'em!


People Who Have a Similar Personality to Me or Are Like Me in Anyway at All

This one's just for people that don't like themselves very much. Like me! Anyone you see that portrays in any way even the slightest hint of having the same personality as you, you will instantly dislike. This stems from your deep distrust, shame and feelings of inadequacy about yourself. When you see these qualities in others you feel that the Universe is playing a horrible prank on you; it won't let you like yourself and it makes all these people similar in some ways to you, so that you WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR SHAME. Oh, and don't worry. This isn't narcissistic at all, so you're safe on that front. Honest.
How to Combat:
Sit in a dark corner crying and eating ice cream.

Ashamed of (Bad) Creativity

I like to make things. 

However, I am not very good at making things.

I eventually make something that is bad.

I get depressed and doubt everything I have ever done.

I close myself off from the world, usually by staying in bed for five days straight. 

I look at what I have become and the sense of failure and shame is overwhelming. 

I try to make myself feel better about myself. 

So I make things.

I like to make things.